At fifty years old John found himself looking back on his life with much regret and guilt. Memories of the pain and destruction that resulted from his bad decisions opened the flood gates of shame that overwhelmed him with such great anguish that he began to spiral into a deep depression. He didn’t mean to lie. It just sort of happened and the next thing he knew, this deception took on a life of it’s own while forever changing his-and hers! For years even after the affair the lies continued and wounds grew deeper. Over the years he tried to “make it up to her” by working hard and providing a good life for her and their new baby girl. The only problem was that he could never work hard enough to cancel out all the guilt he felt for all the pain he caused. Living under the weight of his guilt and shame for so many years took a toll on his emotional health and deep depression began to consume his life.
Depression can manifest itself in several different ways but the ultimate result is the same-total destruction! In John’s case, anger was the main symptom. Outward appearances would make it seem as if he was mad at the world; being easily provokes to outbursts of hostility. Yet, inwardly the anger grew only toward himself and how he could have done such hurtful things against those that he loved so much-his wife and daughter! That inward anger was slowly eating away at his soul, leaving his emotional health very susceptible to satan’s attacks-and attack he did!
The fact that John was not a Christian left him with little defense against the onslaught of negative thoughts of himself and his failures. His soul began to whither in much the same way a body racked with cancer becomes emaciated from the systematically destructive nature of the disease. Day by day the depression took away more and more until all that was left was the negative voice in his head telling him that he was worthless and his family was better off without him. After time, the voice grew louder and the guilt grew heavier until he did the unthinkable. He decided on a plan to ‘punish’ himself and rid his family of the albatross that he considered was his life. Suicide was the plan and an overdose of painkillers was the method.
He found several left over pills from a previous prescription in the medicine cabinet. He ground them to powder, added water and drank the mixture thinking, “ It will work quicker”. In a matter of minutes, he began to tremble, broke into a cold sweat and his heart began to race. It was at that moment he began to have second thoughts about his ‘plan’. He made another decision-take a risk and ask for help. He called 9-1-1 and was taken to the hospital. Fortunately, help came in time and his life was saved.
John's 2nd Chance
His physical life was saved but he still needed emotional healing. God began dealing with him during this dark time in his life. God spoke to John’s heart, telling him how much he’s loved, cherished and how much his life really did matter. God spoke to him and gave him a positive voice to counter act the negative voice he had heard for so long. He began listening to this positive voice and wondered if there was something to it.
Although it was hard for him to accept that God could forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself, he eventually accepted the salvation of Jesus Christ. During the months to follow, John began to read the Bible daily and learn of God’s love and the sacrifice Jesus made for him. He was much like a child in preschool where everything was a learning experience. There was a noticeable, drastic change in him-a change for the better. In Jesus, John had found a new way to view life, a new way to see himself. Like a toddler just beginning to walk, his steps were cautiously unsteady and his path was filled with wondrous, new discoveries!
Learning as a Child
As the days went by, days turned into weeks and weeks into months and John continued to grow and learn of the Lord’s goodness. It was during these first few months that John began to understand the blessing of forgiveness for his self and others. This understanding paved the way to healing for himself, his marriage and family. It also allowed him to develop a compassion for others that he had never before known.
Saved to save
Compassion can reveal itself in many different ways and sometimes through seemingly unlikely sources. One autumn day in John’s new life, he realized just how God could use the most unlikely of sources to show his compassion to others. It was a cool fall day when Mike, a friend of John’s, came to visit. They had been chatting for a while when Mike said he wasn’t feeling well and needed to leave. Upon this announcement, Mike got up and walked out to his truck. Before he could get the driver’s side door opened, he turned pale, weak and broke out into a sweat. He fell to the ground, unresponsive with his eyes glazed. John was horrified and in shock of what had happened right before his eyes! Immediately, without thought or hesitation, John ran to Mike, lifted his head into his hand and frantically called his name. With each shout of Mike’s name, John used the first three fingers of his other hand to tap on Mike’s chest. His feverish, unrelenting attempts to awaken his friend quickly developed into a rhythmic melody: “Mike, tap-tap-tap-Mike, tap-tap-tap”. The only exception was that as John’s adrenaline began to flow, the ‘taps’ turned into ‘thuds’! During this intense scene, John’s wife had called 9-1-1 and within minutes an ambulance arrived and Mike was taken to the hospital for treatment.
As the paramedics loaded Mike into the ambulance, John could be heard to say, “I didn’t know what to do. He was so pale, his eyes rolled back into his head and I couldn’t get him to wake up!” His wife tried to console him but knew that the situation was grim at best.
After a few days, John received word that Mike had suffered a major heart attack but was recovering. Weeks went by as John replayed the traumatic scene in his mind and tried to make sense of it all. Many questions flooded his mind-“Why him? Why here? Why me? What could I have done differently?”
The Unexpected
Days turned into weeks as John continued to contemplate all of these questions. After a couple of months, John looked out the window to see Mike’s truck pulling into the driveway. John was filled with joy and anxiety over seeing his friend after the drama of their last meeting. The two sat down and began to talk of Mike’s collapse and long road to recovery. Mike said, “John, the doctors told me that someone had to have done CPR on me before the ambulance arrived or I wouldn’t have made it. I knew I felt like someone had pounded my chest. I was bruised all over! It even hurt to breath! So John, what did you do to me?” Mike asked. John’s eyes began to swell with tears as he told Mike what had happened. After he recounted the story of all that transpired on that memorable fall day, Mike said, “Well, what you did was the CPR that saved my life!”
Later John shared the conversation with his wife saying, “They’re saying I did CPR on him and saved his life! I don’t even know CPR and I only used these three fingers!” as he raised a rugged and weathered hand, displaying his first three fingers and tears in his eyes. His wife looked at him, smiled sweetly and said, “You were an unlikely vessel but the Lord used you in a great way. He saved your life, then used you to save someone else’s life!” How true that was!
That day John learned that he really had nothing to offer but a willingness to be used by God. Yet, in that willingness God was able to do great things! According to Colossians 1:20-22 God has “reconciled all things to himself through Jesus whether in heaven or on earth”. Even though we were all once ‘alienated’ and ‘enemies in our own minds’ because of our wrong actions, through Jesus Christ, we all are presented holy and blameless. We are also considered ‘vessels’ that carry a message to others through our words and actions whether good or bad. It is said in 2 Timothy chapter 2 that a great house has in it vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay. Some vessels are used for honorable work as others of for dishonorable work. Verse 21 explains, “If anyone cleanses himself from dishonor he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work”.
Chosen Vessel
The Lord spoke of the apostle Paul in Acts 9:15 (when he was still called Saul) as his “chosen vessel” to present his message to all people. In his day Saul was labeled a ‘hater’ of Christians and was definitely considered one of the most ‘unlikely of vessels’ but God had a plan to use him to spread the good news and show his love to the nations! Paul even admitted to a disability that was constantly apparent to him. He prayed that it be removed but the Lord chose not to remove it. Instead he revealed to Paul how he would work through him, disabilities and all, to achieve his purpose. In doing so, God was glorified because it was made evident that power comes from God alone! When we allow the Lord to show his, grace, power and mercy through us we are strengthened and empowered! We all have the opportunity to do amazing things when we are used by God. The question is, “Are you willing to be open to God’s will? Are you willing to be one of the Lord’s unlikely vessels?”
copyright Morning Glories Devotional 2012
